The Dark Night

It is 9:06 AM Saturday morning in the flow of Reality. I have been up since 5 o’clock AM so I feel like crap right now. I got woke up this morning by Carol getting up to face existence. Once I got woke up I could not fall back to sleep so I got up to face IT. We can not escape IT.

I got myself a cup of coffee and sat in the dining room trying to accept my lot in life.

Carol went to do her morning devotions in the living room as I sat drinking coffee. Soon I heard someone deliver one of our morning newspapers, so I went outside into the morning chill to get the newspaper off our driveway. Today it is a cold sunny late winter day in The Flow.

Carol went back to read this morning. I have been wandering the house not knowing what to do with myself. I decided to turn on my computer and write this crap as a way to kill time. I am not in the mood to go out into the cold this morning and walk our dog Rudy. I am thinking of going down in the basement and going back to bed.

Last night I went to bed around 9 o’clock PM and read till 10 o’clock PM. Carol read till 11:30 PM and then woke me up. I was half awake and I was half asleep when Carol asked me if I was awake. I told her I was awake because it was time to make love once more before the month came to a close. I wish I could make love like we did five years ago, but that will never be again. You have to accept body changes. I am not a young man any more. Plus I am not in top physical condition due to doing nothing but laying around the house. Also it takes two to make love. Well enough about my love life. I am thankful for love in this world full of hate.

There is also the benefit of not being a slave to desires when you are old. For many years I lived for sex. Now I live for death. I am free to dream of being without a physical body someday. I feel sorry for people who live for sex and not for God. I am no longer a slave of sin, but a slave of Christ Jesus.

Well it is now 9:19 AM and I am weary of writing this crap so I will close to sit and dream.

music: Modest Mouse “The Lonesome Crowded West”

It is 8:24 PM Friday night. Another day has gone down in the history books.

Carol got up and has gone back to bed to read. There is no reason to be up and about this evening. When Carol got up this evening I was in our dining room reading a book titled “Magic Bus: On The Hippie Trail From Istanbul To India” by Rory MacLean.

I have been putting away our clean laundry. I am tired and I suppose I will go to bed and read tonight. I do not know if I will hear the music of love tonight?

This afternoon Rudy and I took a walk in the woods at Van Raalte Farm County Park. It only takes us five minutes to drive to Van Raalte Farm County Park. I have been walking at this park going on 18 years. Before we had Rudy for a pet we had another dog name Max that I use to take for walks at this county park. Way back then this park was not developed, meaning it had no marked trails.

During the afternoon hours today I wandered my cell and read. Carol got up around 5:30 PM this evening. She woke up feeling wasted.

There is not much else to report. Tomorrow is the last day of February 2009.

I just remembered that this afternoon on the way home from my walk I stopped at a thrift store to see if they had any used books. I found a used book today titled “A Short History of American Poetry” by Donald Barlow Stauffer. This book was published in 1974, towards the end of this volume there is some material on Allen Ginsberg, Gary Snyder, Charles Olson and Robert Creeley.

Before going on my hike this afternoon I did listen for an hour the novel “Middlemarch” by George Eliot being read out loud on CD. I also started reading an essay on the novel “Middlemarch” this evening in a book titled “From Dickens to Hardy” [A series of essays on the literature and background of the period from Dickens to Hardy with an Appendix of biographies and bibliographies for the writers discussed] (Volume 6 The Pelican Guide To English Literature) Edited by Boris Ford. The essay I started reading on the novel “Middlemarch” is titled ‘George Eliot in Middlemarch’ by Quentin Anderson.

Well I suppose I will close for now and hope for a better day tomorrow.

music: Trail of Dead “The Century Of Self”

a letter to my pen pal Robert

Robert,

It is early Saturday morning and I just got up to face the day OFF from work. I went back to work at the Hamilton Farm Bureau Egg Division on June the 13th. I still do not know why the Egg Division laid me off for three months? But I have been working full time ever since the 13th of June. Like I last wrote “I work and recover from work.” I have been doing the same job for the last 408 weeks, which is feeding eggs into the mouth of the Egg Processing machine. The work is very hard and the pay is lousy. For the last year at the Egg Division people have been quitting and taking better jobs. The only people who will work at the Egg Division are recent immigrants from Mexico. Right now I work with two young Mexican fellows, one just turned 18 and the other is 26 years old. The young 18-year Mexican Osbaldo works with me putting eggs unto the conveyor belt those guides the eggs into the egg-processing machine. There are four other Mexicans working in the egg processing plant besides the two who work with me. I found out this week another long-term employee in our plant was leaving for a better job and another Mexican has been hired to take his place. My boss says no white person will work for the egg division. I told him the reason is that the pay is poor. I only take home around $12,000.00 dollars a year for what I do. A man today in America can not support a family on what we are paid at the Egg Division. The Mexicans live together in extended families, so they do well in America. I see the day when I will be the only white American working on the line. The only white people staying at the Egg Division will be those who are making enough money to support their families. I think I am one of the lowest paid of the employees in the Egg Division, the other white people make more money than me and have been there for over 15 years. Also these Mexicans speak no English for the most part. There is one or two who speak a little English, but the guys I work with speak just a few works of English. It sure would be nice to work with someone who I could talk to as I slowly kill myself. It gets boring standing all day working with no one to share my thoughts with. Mexicans it seems eat a ton of hot sauce and constantly talk and laugh. I wonder all the time what are they talking and laughing about? It does get on my nerves sometimes these Mexicans speaking Spanish and not speaking English. But that is the way it is in America.

Here also autumn has come and the trees are turning color. I see birds flocking together all the time now getting ready for winter. The weather is still warm, Indian summer type weather. Soon the farmers will be harvesting their crops.

I have seen the book by D. Hindmarsh of Regent College in the bookstores, but have not bought them. Also I have seen the book on Hervey by Ella. Awhile back Mr.Ella and I exchanged some e-mails about theology etc.

I have only seen the book “The Seed of Abraham” by Albertus Pieters at Western Theological Seminary. The New Covenant Theology folk really like this book. Jon Zens awhile back sent me some chapters from this book to look at on the teaching of the New Covenant in the Bible. Maybe Zens has more of these selections from Pieters book? Do you want me to find out for you? Zens does have a web site where you could e-mail him and ask him. I think the web site is Searching Together?

These days I mainly read NT commentaries and Pauline Theology. Here is a list of books presently on my study desk—

“A Theology Of The Cross: The Death Of Jesus In The Pauline Letters” by Charles B. Cousar

“The Triumph of Abraham’s God: The Transformation of Identity in Galatians” by Bruce W. Longenecker

“The Religion of Paul the Apostle” by John Ashton

“The First Epistle To The Corinthians [The New International Commentary On The New Testament]” by Gordon D. Fee

“Jesus, Justice, And The Reign Of God: A Ministry Of Liberation” by William R. Herzog II

“New Testament Christology” by Frank J. Matera

“Cruciformity: Paul’s Narrative Spirituality of the Cross” by Michael J. Gorman

“Galatians [Sacra Pagina]” a commentary by Frank J. Matera

“Conflict & Community In Corinth: A Socio-Rhetorical Commentary on 1 and 2 Corinthians” by Ben Witherington III

“Theology Of The Old Testament” by Walter Brueggemann

“First Corinthians” [Sacra Pagina] a commentary by Raymond F. Collins

“The First Epistle to the Corinthians [The New International Greek Testament Commentary]” by Anthony C. Thiselton

“Introducing The New Testament Its Literature and Theology” by Paul J. Achtemeier, Joel B. Green and Marianne Meye Thompson

“The Message Of The Cross” by Derek Tidball

“San Francisco Beat:Talking With The Poets” Edited By David Meltzer

“The Race Set Before Us:A Biblical Theology of Perseverance & Assurance” by Thomas R. Schreiner & Ardel B. Caneday

“Apocalypticism in Western History and Culture” Volume 2 of The Encyclopedia Of Apocalypticism Edited by Bernard McGinn

“Recovering The Scandal Of The Cross:Atonement in New Testament & Contemporary Contexts” by Joel B. Green & Mark D. Baker

“The Royal Family” a novel by William T. Vollmann

“Beat Down To Your Soul: What Was The Beat Generation? Poems, Essays, Memoirs, Notes, Protests, Attacks, and Apologies-from the Beat Explosion That Rocked the World” Edited Ann Charters

I have come to see that in conservative circles folks if they read at all do not study the Bible, but study 17th cent. Calvinism. These folks take the eyeglasses of 17th cent. Calvinism and interpret the Bible accordingly. These folks do not know their Bibles, but do know a certain brand of Calvinism. Most folks even in conservative Reformed circles do not know the Bible or classical 17th cent. Reformed Theology. I suppose in the end we are saved by grace and not anything else.

Recently we had a guest preacher proclaimed from the pulpit “the heart of the Gospel is penal substitutionary atonement and if this doctrine is not being preached the gospel is not being preached.” Now how many Christians throughout Church History have held to this model of the atonement? I have been asking Christians lately can you explain to me Penal Substitutionary Atonement? These Christians answer me they can’t, so according to this preacher’s statement they do not know the Gospel. Then I ask myself are these folks real Christians? This kind of thinking only leads to some Christians thinking they are the Elite [the Elect] and everybody else is going to hell. I have come to the conclusion that there are Christian folk who know a certain brand of Calvinism, but do not know their Bibles. So I spend my days when not dead tired studying and reading the Bible. I love the Apostle Paul and devote most of my free time to reading his letters [Pauline Theology].

Well I will close to mess with the computer. In God Jonny

11:38 a.m. - 2001-09-08

It is 10:46 AM Friday morning in the flow of Being. It is a cold wet late winter day here by Lake Michigan. I am having a typical morning. I have not flipped out yet-praise the Lord for a sane mind and a new heart!

I got up this morning around 7:24 AM. Carol got home from work around 7:35 AM. She is off the next two nights from work. I wonder when hopsitals will start closing down? I see in the future the whole american economy destroyed. I see millions of people in unemployment lines. I see in the near future food riots. I see a civil war between the poor and the rich. Now is a time to have ones faith in God tested. This morning I was thinking I hope my Christian understanding of world history is wrong. I hope the world is not getting worse and worse, but better and better. I like to believe the world is going to be the Garden of Eden soon.

Carol got home from work and went to bed. I have been wandering my cell. I wrote in my diary this morning and took out the garbage. I read some of the book “Magic Bus” and went to a local used bookstore to see about a used book. But the used bookstore was closed so I drove home. I thought of going downtown for a mocha, but why?

I am at lost what to do with myself. That is ok since that is a problem most hermits must deal with. I will sit still and read The Book of Numbers or listen to “Middlemarch” being read out loud. Or I might just sit and pray for a New Day.

Last night I watched television for one hour and read till 11 o’clock PM “Magic Bus: On The Hippie Trail From Istanbul To India” by Rory MacLean.

Well I will close to wait it out in middle class comfort. (I told Carol we should go buy camping equipment since soon we will be homeless. The american dream is over. Now comes a thousand years of darkness. I see the barbarians coming! Repent and believe the Gospel before starvation takes your life.)

music: Modest Mouse “This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About”

be real and do not worry about being liked by the mob

It is going on 5 o’clock early Saturday evening. A cold dreary day in my Life. I have done nothing today worth mentioning to strangers. I basically have read my books, wandered the house and slept. I could not get into college football today. I have been reading this afternoon “The Holy Spirit” by Bloesch. Carol was gone off and on today doing errands. Now she is taking a nap. At 5:30 Pm Bethany has to be picked up at where she works. Nothing came in the mail today to make me feel like an american hero. Now I am messing with my computer listening to the new Sixteen Horsepower CD “Folklore”-the house is cold. I have no plans for the evening hours. Existence keeps going by.

This week at work on Wednesday I got into a intense discussion with the two guys I work with-Joe and Phin Lo. Joe is around 34 years old half Mexican and half Indian-he is married to a tiny Mexican woman and has three kids. This discussion got going because I got sick of hearing Phin Lo and Joe complaining about their jobs-the lack of pay-I also am not happy with my job or my wages but I only complain about these facts in my mind or my diary. I told Joe the reason I work at the egg pit is because there is nothing else for me to do in this world-to me my life is over and I am waiting for retirement or to completely drop out. My wife often asks me what would I do if I was to quit my job? I would try to find a part-time job here in Holland and live a quiet life-take long walks, grow old, read my books and wait for death.

I would like to travel, but is there anything to SEE in the dead american world that I have not seen on television or in books? What I really want to SEE is God in heaven-I want to before the throne of glory worshipping forever the King of Glory the Lord Jesus Christ. What I want is perfect assurance of salvation. What I want is to be a saint-a disciple of Christ-a fruit bearing Christian. I am not seeking anything in this world to bring fulfillment-true inner satisfaction. I know only God who is Perfect and fulfill my soul hunger-give me contentment. Only in Christ is peace-joy-love-reason to keep going down the road of death. So that is why I keep killing myself at the bottom of the egg pit. Work is a constantly Test of endurance. I just got to take one day of death at a time. If it gets too rough I know my wife would not get mad at me if I was to quit the egg pit-she knows the egg pit is a slow kill-has not concern for my well-being-happiness-spiritual development.

When Phin Lo goes into one of his american dreams raps I tell him what he needs is to find a job that will pay the bills and feed him and his wife and use the rest of his time and energy to seek God-live a holy life. Why use your fleeting life to become a rich Chinese businessman?

What is important is to died spiritually rich Not rich in material possessions.

Well Joe and Phin Lo both think I am crazy-but I do not care. Phin Lo thinks it is odd that I do not care if he likes me. I could care less if the world likes me. I am not out to be a man pleaser. I will close to wait for darkness to come.

5:33 p.m. - 2002-10-19

http://crookedfingers.livejournal.com/2002/10/19/

It is 3:15 PM Thursday afternoon. It is a cold rainy afternoon. I feel like going down in our basement and taking a nap. Yesterday I laid down at 3:50 PM and got up at 5:25 PM. I might try to not sleep this afternoon and go to bed early this evening. Last night I had a difficult time falling asleep.

This afternoon around Noon I went to our local public library to pick up something I had put on hold. I had put on hold the novel “Middlemarch” on CD. After the library I drove to Kollen Park located on Lake Macatawa to walk Rudy. Today it got up to 45 degrees, so the snow was melting. After walking Rudy I drove to used bookstore and looked around. I bought a novel by John Barth titled “Coming Soon !!!” for two bucks that I did not have in my John Barth collection. I came home and have been listening and reading to “Middlemarch.”

I do not know what else to report on this cold rainy day? I suppose I will close to look through the evening newspaper. I do not know what to cook for a meal tonight. Carol has to eat something before going to work tonight. I need to feed my wife.

music: Dark Was The Night: A Red Hot Compilation

1 Corinthians chapter 10

1: Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud, and all passed through the sea;
2: And were all baptized unto Moses in the cloud and in the sea;
3: And did all eat the same spiritual meat;
4: And did all drink the same spiritual drink: for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: and that Rock was Christ.
5: But with many of them God was not well pleased: for they were overthrown in the wilderness.
6: Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted.
7: Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.
8: Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.
9: Neither let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed of serpents.
10: Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.
11: Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come.
12: Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.
13: There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
14: Wherefore, my dearly beloved, flee from idolatry.
15: I speak as to wise men; judge ye what I say.
16: The cup of blessing which we bless, is it not the communion of the blood of Christ? The bread which we break, is it not the communion of the body of Christ?
17: For we being many are one bread, and one body: for we are all partakers of that one bread.
18: Behold Israel after the flesh: are not they which eat of the sacrifices partakers of the alter?
19: What say I then? that the idol is any thing, or that which is offered in sacrifice to idols is any thing?
20: But I say, that the things which the Gentiles sacrifice, they sacrifice to devils, and not to God: and I would not that ye should have fellowship with devils.
21: Ye cannot drink the cup of the Lord, and the cup of devils: ye cannot be partakers of the Lord’s table, and of the table of devils.
22: Do we provoke the Lord to jealousy? are we stronger than he?
23: All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
24: Let no man seek his own, but every man another’s wealth.
25: Whatsoever is sold in the shambles, that eat, asking no question for conscience sake:
26: For the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof.
27: If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake.
28: But if any man say unto you, This is offered in sacrifice unto idols, eat not for his sake that shewed it, and for conscience sake: for the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof:
29: Conscience, I say, not thine own, but of the other: for why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience?
30: For if I by grace be a partaker, why am I evil spoken of for that for which I give thanks?
31: Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
32: Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God:
33: Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.

It is 10 o’clock AM Thursday in my personal flow of reality. I got up this morning around 7:15 AM. I really do not remember what time I got up this morning. I know I got up and made a pot of coffee. Rudy has been acting strange all morning. We do not think he feels well. Right now he is laying behind a chair in our living room which he never does. This morning he did not greet Carol when she got home from work. If Rudy does not perk up by tomorrow I will take him to our vet. He is not acting normal.

Anyway I got up and made a pot of coffee. Carol got home around 8:30 AM and went to bed because she has to be back at work at 7 o’clock PM this evening.

I have done the usual things this morning. I read some more of the Book of Numbers in the Old Testament. I am have to go our local public library this morning to pick up on CD the novel “Middlemarch”. I might go to a local used bookstore to look around. I am not sure what I will do today mind blowing. Life is a mystery.

In reading this morning The Book of Numbers I read some of the article on Numbers in a volume titled “Dictionary Of The Old Testament: Pentateuch” Editors: T. Desmond Alexander & David W. Baker [A Compendium Of Contemporary Biblical Scholarship].

Years ago I bought a book titled “The Death Of The Old And The Birth Of The New: The Framework of the Book of Numbers and the Pentateuch” by Dennis T. Olson [Brown Judaic Studies 71] that I might look at today as I wander my cell.

Yesterday in the mail I received a book I had ordered titled “Magic Bus: On The Hippie Trail From Istanbul To India” by Rory MacLean.

I mainly read yesterday “Middlemarch” a novel by George Sand. Carol got up around 6:30 PM yesterday and went to work around 7:50 PM. I called our son Josiah (who lives in New Mexico) and talked to him for a few minutes.

I watched television from 7:30 PM till 11 o’clock PM last night. I read till 12:30 AM “Middlemarch” and “Magic Bus”.

I have also been reading a book titled “Christ’s Ministry in the Christian: The Administration Of His Offices In The Believer” by Gerard Wisse. I might quote from this book sometime in the near future.

Well I suppose I will close to get moving.

music: No Alternative-Red Hot AIDS Benefit Series, Various Artists 1993