The Dark Night

It is 10:09 AM Wednesday morning. I drove my van to a near by car shop to have the oil changed and looked over before the beginning of the winter season. I took Rudy with me to the car shop and we walked home. When we entered the house we found Carol home from work getting ready to go to bed for the day.

I am down in our basement right now writing words on my lap top drinking coffee and listening to music.

I feel restless but at the same time I feel drained. I do not think I have any energy to go someplace. Plus there is no place to go. I see the world as a vast wasteland. I do not see the world as paradise. I do not see the world as a playground or a fun place to hang out at.

I have not read my Bible this morning. I start reading next in the Bible The Book of Hosea. I read many years ago in Houston Texas a famous 17th century commentary on Hosea by Jeremiah Burroughs. This commentary is titled “A Commentary On The Prophecy Of Hosea” by Jeremiah Burroughs (1599-1646) Introduction by J. I. Packer published by Soli Deo Gloria Publications. My last sermon I preached when I did my minister internship many years ago was from the first chapter of Hosea. Right now I can not recall the text for that sermon. I taped the sermon so I could look for it if I was in the mood to dig into my past as a gospel preacher. Maybe if I get super bored today I will go through my sermon tapes and find that sermon tape (when I was active preaching the Gospel I always taped myself-I always had with me a small portable tape recorder-I still have in one of desk drawers that old small portable tape recorder-I also taped every Sunday school class I taught-for years I taped everything-even family life was captured on tape-Reality tapes like what one reads in Kerouac’s book “The Visions of Cody”).

I have these commentaries on the Prophecy of Hosea in my cell—

“A Commentary On The Prophecy Of Hosea” by Jeremiah Burroughs (1599-1646)

“Hosea: A New Translation And Commentary” by Francis I. Andersen & David Noel Freedman [The Anchor Bible]

“Hosea” a commentary by James Luther Mays [The Old Testament Library]

“Hosea-Jonah” [31 Word Biblical Commentary] by Douglas Stuart

“The Minor Prophets” An Exegetical & Expository Commentary Edited by Thomas Edward McComiskey Volume One “Hosea” by Thomas McComisky-”Joel” by Raymond Dillard” & “Amos” by Jeffrey Niehaus

I could list more commentaries I have on the Prophecy of Hosea but why bore you? I doubt if my readers collect commentaries on the writings of the holy Bible. How many Christians in the world right now have read the writings of the 17th cent. English Puritan Jeremiah Burroughs? How many men here in Holland know 17th cent. English Puritan pastoral theology?

In my small cell found in the american wasteland I have these reprints of the writings of Jeremiah Burroughs—

“The Saints’ Treasury” by Jeremiah Burroughs (1599-1646

“Hope” by Jeremiah Burroughs (1599-1646)

“Gospel Reconciliation” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“Gospel Remission” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“The Evil of Evils or The Exceeding Sinfulness of Sin” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“Gospel Fear” (Sermons on Isaiah 66:22 “To this man will I look, even to him that trembleth at My Word.”) by Jeremiah Burroughs

“Irenicum: Healing the Divisions Among God’s People” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“The Excellency of a Gracious Spirit” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“A Treatise of Earthly-Mindedness” & “A Treatise Of Conversing in Heaven, and Walking with God” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“Gospel Conversation” by Jeremiah Burroughs

“The Saints’ Happiness, Together With The Several Steps Leading Thereunto. Delivered In Divers Lectures On The Beatitudes; Being Part of Christ’s Sermon On The Mount, Contained In The Fifth Of Matthew” by Jeremiah Burroughs

Well it is now 10:48 AM and I need to get going. I need to wake up before the Lord comes to separate the chaff from the wheat.

It is 7:10 AM Wednesday morning according to the clock behind me. It is dark outside this morning. It is suppose to be a sunny day today. Right now the morning sky is gray with clouds. I need to see sunshine today. I do not like cold dark days. I always feel a little better inside when I see the sun shining outside my cage.

I got up this morning around 6:20 AM, because I was tired of dreaming. When I got up I made a pot of coffee and brought up my lap top. I placed my lap top on our dining room table and read stuff. I usually check for e-mail when I go online in the morning. I rarely if ever receive any personal e-mail. I have no close friends. I am a loner. I dread the thought of being an old man absolutely alone in a old people care center. It is not easy being an old human being.

This morning I have to take my old 1994 Dodge van to a car shop a couple blocks from where we live to have the oil changed and the front left tire fixed (this tire has a slow leak). I try to keep this old van in good running condition since it is paid for and I drive it once in awhile. It is nice to have an extra transportation when Carol has the car. I also like driving my old Dodge van because it is old and looks forsaken. I often feel forsaken. I must exercise saving faith when I feel left for dead by the side of the road of life.

Last night I watched television and went to bed around 11:10 PM. I read till late “A Summons To Memphis” a novel by Peter Taylor [Winner of the Pulitzer Prize]. I also read yesterday these books—

“The Olympia Reader” Edited by Maurice Girodias

“The Indelible Image: The Theological and Ethical Thought of the New Testament” Volume One “The Individual Witnesses” by Ben Witherington III

I still have on my study desk to read once again “Imperial” by William T. Vollmann.

Yesterday I finally finished reading in the Old Testament The Book of Daniel. Now I start reading in the Bible the Minor Prophets. After the Minor Prophets we enter into the New Testament [New Covenant]. I look forward to reading in the New Testament the Four Gospels. I wonder if I will finish reading the Bible before the new year begins? I should read the Bible completely through again and again. I should prepare for death by reading the Bible. What book of the Bible will I be reading when either I die or lose my mind?

I have no plans for the day. Carol works again tonight so she will sleep all day today. I ought to be another super quiet day for me. Hopefully the sun will appear in the sky today.

Well I will close to wait.

music: Boards of Canada “Geogaddi”

It is Noon time and I plan to go through my September 2009 private diary and write down my reading notes from “The Roads To Zion Mourn” by Hugh of Balma mainly. It has disturbed me greatly to think someone really believes I am some cold rationalistic calvinist. I am a lover of God the Lord Jesus Christ. I love the Word of God and not the words of scholastics.

a divine activity in the unveiling

the OT points typologically to Jesus

and they are insane with their idols

the killing effects of the old covenant ministry

the dreamlike logic of madness

manifesto condemining the “spiritual poverty” of american life

licking my chops

each encounter with Yahweh brought about a ‘recharging’ with glory

can now gaze on the glory of God with unveiled face

spiritual veil prevents them from spiritually perceiving the greater glory of the new covenant

true rest can be found only in God

the monk enters into leisured quiet, sags back into what seems the world to be lazy inactivity

free from the false boundaries with which he formerly tried to construct self

freedom from anxiety, is created by the ascetic limits

a manual on mystical theology

could see no reason why Pseudo-Denis could not effortlessly be assimilated to the Latin, affective contemplative tradition

the total rescinding of the eye of the intellect

a quick glance of the eye of the bride

the aspirative upsurge requires the arid preparation of discursive meditation if it is to be kindled

Mystical theology is not sequential or linearlogical

a unitive taste of burning love to him who is the highest majesty and never-failing goodness

Egypt will never again be attractive as a substitute for trusting Yahweh

the historical Jesus as a paradigm for Christians to follow

he invites himself into the poverty-stricken human spirit to feed her with living bread, that is, with the consolation of divine joy

the poorer the spirit is in earthly riches, the better she is shaped to suit the royal marriage feast and the more rapidly will I raise her above the limits of human nature to union with me

34. Again, the yoke is said to be sweet because it makes the human spirit lead this bitter life with such interior joy and rejoicing that the life of glory begins already in this life, so that the superabundance of the soul’s joy can totally overwhelm and absorb the body’s punishments. Hugh of Balma pg. 99

For when the spirit has gained her Beloved’s delightful presence through the union of love, he takes away all her want and lack, keeping her from wandering far from him or going begging to find counterfeit delights in other creatures pg. 120

One’s reaction to Jesus is seen as decisive for one’s own destiny

Her yearning is a hunger for him who is located inexpressibly above her

Although he may be everywhere, nevertheless he is in heaven and the lover’s speech is directed to him there. Since she is speaking to the One she adores in heaven on high, she must turn toward him by raising her face to him, for it is to him in heaven that she yearningly calls, asking him to transform her totally into himself

unite the creature perfectly to the Bridegroom in ecstatic love

having left behind at the touch of love habitual cognition

the human spirit knows God without intermediary through inexpressible knowledge left behind by the union of love

no speculative contemplation has this power to transform, since only outstretching, deifying love can do this. Therefore he alone grasps divine things who does not look at his feet in cognitive contemplation but rather stretches to glimpse something afar off pg. 148 Hugh of Balma

uplifting is a vehement thrust of the affectus that leaves the intellect behind

knowledge that is elevated above the mind knows nothing. This unknowing is the necessary condition for the most elevated form of apprehending, for all speculative cognition disappears in an upsurge that is unknown to the intellect, and speculative cognition must be left behind if one desires to proceed to knowledge above the mind pg. 149

The other day someone threw in my face that I was just a cold scholastic calvinist. I told that individual that I was not a scholastic calvinist, but a simple Bible believing Christian. My heart desire is follow the plain teachings of the Bible and not a system of Reformed scholastic theology. Also I realized that the person who called me a scholastic calvinist has not been reading my blog. I have for over eight years quoted in my blogs the writings of men like St. John of the Cross and Hugh of Balma, who were not Calvinist or believed one can come to a knowledge of God through reason alone.

After I was labeled a scholastic calvinist I remembered something I recently read in “The Roads To Zion Mourn” by Hugh of Balma—

“1. Three Kinds of Knowledge

84. Now knowledge is threefold. One type comes from looking at the mirror provided by sense-perceptible creatures. This is taught by Richard of Saint-Victor in the “Mystical Ark [= Benjamin major"], where, in forty-two topics, he expressly teaches how the passage of the people of Israel from Egypt to the Promised Land offers a model for the ascent in six steps to the Creator of all things.

A second type of knowledge exercises understanding through the sending of spiritual rays, unchanging truth by considering the exemplar from which each image comes. The great teacher Augustine gives no small attention to understanding this in his book “On the Teacher” and “On True Religion”.

A third type of knowledge excels these other two by far. It takes place through the most ardent unitive love which actually, without any intermediary, disposes the mind [animus] and causes one to surge up most ardently, in one’s extension, to the Beloved on high. As handed down in “On Mystical Theology”, this knowledge rises to the affective peak, in an upsurge said to take place in unknowing, or in ignorance, in order that, with all activity of the imagination, reason, intellect, or intelligence removed, through the union of most ardent love, the soul might perceive in this present life that which exceeds the grasp of the understanding. As far as the Seraphim surpass the nobility of the Cherubim, true love is more perfect than any habitus granted at the beginning of human creation and more perfect than justifying grace or any special charism given for ministry to others.” pg. 142 Hugh of Balam

It is 10:14 AM Tuesday morning in the flow of existence. I got up around two hours ago. I slept in this morning. It was too cold in the house to get up. But I got up around 8:12 AM and made a pot of coffee. I took a cup of coffee to the dining room and read the Bible.

Carol got home from work around 8:30 AM. She told me the hospital was busy. Carol has gone to bed for the day. I am down in the basement writing words and listening to the music of Why? and Fog.

It is a cold dark rainy windy day. It is too wet to take the dog for a walk. Yesterday I gave our dog a bath.

I read yesterday these books when not wandering the house—

the Bible

“A Summons To Memphis” a novel by Peter Taylor

“The Olympia Reader” Edited by Maurice Girodias

“The Indelible Image: The Theological and Ethical Thought World of the New Testament” Volume One “The Individual Witnesses” by Ben Witherington III

Last night I watched TV from 7 o’clock PM till 11 o’clock PM. Before going to bed I walked the dog around the block in the rain. I read till Midnight “A Summons To Memphis” a novel by Peter Taylor.

I have nothing to do today. Last night I was thinking I have nothing to be ashamed of. Some folks love to point out to me that I suffer from depression therefore I must not be a Christian. Some folks tell me I can not be an effective witness for the Lord because I am broken. I believe I would be in a nut house if was not for the Lord sustaining me for the last 57 years. I am a miracle of grace. I wish people could see in my existence the power of God (1 Corinth 11:1ff  “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” ver. 30)

I write about my life knowing it is not a pretty sight, but I also seek to set forth the teachings of the Bible. I write about my day to day life knowing it is not attractive, but at the same time I seek to point my readers to divine realities. My life is nothing, but the life of God is everything.

When I am attacked for being depressed I want to defend myself. I want to deny I am weak and try to prove I am a strong and successful. But that is all silly, because I am broken so why seek to be what I am not. The Lord is saving the elect and one day the Lord Jesus Christ will return to bring to a conclusion the Plan of God. All I am is nothing. God has been the Almighty Sovereign God before the creation of the earth. God will be gathering His people-building His Church when I am moldering in my grave.

The Lord Jesus Christ raised people from the dead and people still hated His guts. So if I was a strong happy red blooded successful american would people listen to me as I shared with them the Gospel of God? No, people would still throw cow dung into my face. The Lord is sovereign in the salvation of sinners.

Well I suppose I will close to do the next thing. It is a cold day. This week we go into the month of October.

music: Why? “Oaklandazulasylum”

Hebrews chapter 9

1: Then verily the first covenant had also ordinances of divine service, and a worldly sanctuary.
2: For there was a tabernacle made; the first, wherein was the candlestick, and the table, and the shewbread; which is called the sanctuary.
3: And after the second veil, the tabernacle which is called the Holiest of all;
4: Which had the golden censer, and the ark of the covenant overlaid round about with gold, wherein was the golden pot that had manna, and Aaron’s rod that budded, and the tables of the covenant;
5: And over it the cherubims of glory shadowing the mercyseat; of which we cannot now speak particularly.
6: Now when these things were thus ordained, the priests went always into the first tabernacle, accomplishing the service of God.
7: But into the second went the high priest alone once every year, not without blood, which he offered for himself, and for the errors of the people:
8: The Holy Ghost this signifying, that the way into the holiest of all was not yet made manifest, while as the first tabernacle was yet standing:
9: Which was a figure for the time then present, in which were offered both gifts and sacrifices, that could not make him that did the service perfect, as pertaining to the conscience;
10: Which stood only in meats and drinks, and divers washings, and carnal ordinances, imposed on them until the time of reformation.
11: But Christ being come an high priest of good things to come, by a greater and more perfect tabernacle, not made with hands, that is to say, not of this building;
12: Neither by the blood of goats and calves, but by his own blood he entered in once into the holy place, having obtained eternal redemption for us.
13: For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh:
14: How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?
15: And for this cause he is the mediator of the new testament, that by means of death, for the redemption of the transgressions that were under the first testament, they which are called might receive the promise of eternal inheritance.
16: For where a testament is, there must also of necessity be the death of the testator.
17: For a testament is of force after men are dead: otherwise it is of no strength at all while the testator liveth.
18: Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood.
19: For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people,
20: Saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you.
21: Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry.
22: And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.
23: It was therefore necessary that the patterns of things in the heavens should be purified with these; but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these.
24: For Christ is not entered into the holy places made with hands, which are the figures of the true; but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God for us:
25: Nor yet that he should offer himself often, as the high priest entereth into the holy place every year with blood of others;
26: For then must he often have suffered since the foundation of the world: but now once in the end of the world hath he appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.
27: And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:
28: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.

It is 11:55 AM late Monday morning in the flow of existence. We are having our first Autumn rain storm today. Well the storm blew in off Lake Michigan last night. I can hear the wind howling outside.

This morning Carol and I drove out to Lake Michigan to see the storm waves crash on the shore. I took some pictures of the waves as the wind blew us all around. Rudy did not like the rain and wind so we left.

After viewing the Lake we drove to a local tourist town for coffee. As we drank our coffee Carol looked through a US Today newspaper and I read from a novel titled “A Summons To Memphis”. We came home after having coffee and then Carol left to do errands and visit her mother. I came down in the basement when Carol left to download the pictures that I took this morning and then to write some Words in my blogs. I am tired presently because I did not sleep soundly last night. I told Carol this morning that I need new pillows. (also I think I sleep better alone)

Last night we watched professional football and went to bed during half time (10:30 PM).

music Apparat “Walls”

Before going to sleep last night I started reading the “The Olympia Reader” Edited by Girodias.  I have been reading in my sick condition “A Summons To Memphis” a novel by Peter Taylor. I need to lay low when I feel depressed.

Well I suppose I will close to eat lunch. I am sure Carol will take a nap this afternoon since she works tonight. I might also take a nap this afternoon. What else is there to do on dark rainy afternoons?

music: Vic Chesnutt, Elf Power, and the Amorphous Strums “Dark Developments”

I never wanted to be fake or plastic

It is 9:39 PM Sunday night presently and I am tired but it is really too early to go to bed. Carol left for work this evening around 7:45 PM. She got up at 6:30 PM this evening ate food and read newspapers then got ready for work.

I took Rudy for a walk around the block around 8:15 PM because he won’t leave me alone till I take him for a walk. It only takes around 10 minutes for me to walk Rudy around our block.

This evening I have been trying to read “The Letters Of Allen Ginsberg” at our dining room table under a ceiling fan. We have the air condition unit on since it is around 88 degrees this evening.

I was trying to remember when I first read the writings of Kerouac and Ginsberg? I know I have read “On The Road” by Kerouac many times over the last 39 years (I became Aware of my own separate Self around 17 years old. I knew I had an ego separate from other egos when I was in the 11th grade. But when I was 17 years old all I wanted was sex, books and drugs. I was a slave to the flesh). The point is growing up on the San Francisco Bay Area one always heard the names of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg. I was in the counter-culture and Ginsberg was a part of that subculture. In High School I read a lot but do not remember what I read clearly.

I was saved by God the summer of 1970 right out of High School. I was a Jesus Freak meaning all I basically read was the Bible. I do not remember reading anything except the Bible the first five years of my conversion. I am sure I read a ton of stuff since I went to college 1971 and 1972. I do remember reading some religious books during these years, but not Kerouac or Ginsberg.

I did not have money to buy many books till I married Carol. I really never had any money till I married Carol. I never really worked till I got that job at the egg pit that lasted 15 years. I had part-time jobs or jobs that lasted a couple of months, but never a real job. I never wanted to be anything but a soul winner. I never wanted to be a part of society. I just wanted to be me all the time. I wanted to be me without experiencing rejection.

I got into the Reformed Faith (historical Calvinism) around 1975 (?) by reading the writings of A. W. Pink and C. H. Spurgeon. Pink in his writings always quoted the 17th century English Puritans, men like Thomas Goodwin, Thomas Manton, and John Owen. Around this time I was on staff at the Richmond Rescue Mission located in the city of Richmond Calif. which is near the city of Berkeley Calif. which is in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Now I should add here that I did not stop taking drugs like LSD and weed till I got married. I always had a battle with drugs and sex till I left California and got married while a student at Reformed Bible College Grand Rapids Mich.

It was around 1976 (?) I picked up a copy of Ginsberg’s poem “Howl” at City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco. It might have been later but my memory fails me right now. I remember carrying around me a copy of “Howl” and “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” by Friedrich Nietzsche. I started reading the 17th cent. English Puritans around this time. I would check their books out of seminary libraries like Golden Gate Seminary. Around this time Tykie and I joined the Orthodox Presbyterian Church located in Berkeley which had a large collection of Sovereign Grace Books which are reprints of classic 17th cent. English Puritan works. (I have over 1000 17th. cent. English Puritan reprints in my book collection as I write. I read the old writers for 28 years and still read them once in a blue mood. I got burnt out on Puritan theology about four years ago. Now I am Beat and just go by The Book.)

While in Bible College I got married and was busy reading for college. I mainly read Calvinistic literature at this time in my spiritual journey. I do not remember reading Kerouac or Ginsberg while in Bible College. I bought only Reformed literature like the “Works of Thomas Boston” or the “Works of Jonathan Edwards”.

After college Carol and I moved to Jackson Mississippi with our two small boys Caleb Jon and Josiah so I could attend Reformed Theological Seminary. It was while a seminary student I started reading Kerouac and Ginsberg steadily. While I was in seminary I heard Ginsberg give a poetry reading at a local black college there in Jackson Miss.. I also got back into the Works of St. John of the Cross when we were in seminary. I also bought the writings of William Burroughs in seminary like “Naked Lunch” and “Junkie”. I read biographies of Kerouac and Ginsberg while finishing my theological education.

After seminary Carol, the kids (now Caleb, Josiah, and Beth) and I moved to Houston Texas where I did my ministerial internship. It was while living in Houston that I started searching bookstores for the writings of Kerouac, Ginsberg and Burroughs. I also started collecting anything I could find on the Beat movement. It was while living in Houston I bought my Jack Kerouac Box Set. Since our Houston Texas days I have not stopped reading the Beats and collecting books by the Beats and on the Beat movement.

I am a student of modern literature. I like to write and the Beats wrote in a way I feel close to on a personal level. I have always wanted to speak from the heart. I never wanted to be fake or plastic. Maybe that is why I like the Beats?

Anyway I suppose I will close to wander my cell.

10:27 p.m. - 2008-08-31

Jesus the Good Shepherd

Here is a list of books on my desk in my study that I am trying to read before I die.

1. The Ways Of Our God: An Approach to Biblical Theology by Charles H. H. Scobie

2. Jonathan Edwards: A Life by George M. Marsden

3. The Social God and the Relational Self: A Trinitarian Theology of the Image Dei by Stanley J. Grenz

4. Renewing The Center: Evangelical Theology In A Post-Theological Era by Stanley J. Grenz

5. To Know And Love God: Method For Theology by David K. Clark

6. The Making Of The New Spirituality: The Eclipse of the Western Religious Tradition by James A. Herrick

7. Paul Among The Postliberals: Pauline Theology Beyond Christendom And Modernity by Douglas Harink

8. Sermons Of Rev. B. M. Palmer Volumes 1 and 2

9. Disputations On Holy Scriptures by William Whitaker (1547-1595)

10. The Unsearchable Riches Of Christ by James Durham (1622-1658)

11. Instructions about Heartwork by Richard Alleine (1611-1691)

12. The Life & Letters of Joseph Alleine by Richard Baxter, Theodosia Alleine and other friends

13. The Portable Sixties Reader Edited with an Introduction by Ann Charters

14. Romancing Mary Jane-A Year In The Life Of A Failed Marijuana Grower by Michael Poole

Time keeps going by on a warm sunny Saturday afternoon. I washed the caravan and read my new book. Carol went to bed to sleep, she works tonight. Bethany went off to visit a girlfriend before going to work. Do not know what Josiah and Caleb Jon are doing right now?

I was born in Oakland Calif in 1952. I never knew my father. I could have been a one night stand? Growing up I had two step-fathers. My mother was a party girl. When she was alive she worked as a bar maid. As a boy I lived in these states Maryland, Washington D.C. Virginia, Oregon, and California. My mother died in a car wreck when I was 16 years old. At that time we were living in Los Angeles Calif. I am the oldest of five children.

I grew up among drunks and whores.

After my mother died I lived with my Aunt for a short time. My Aunt was a drunk and my cousins were violent. To make a long story short I lived with a foster mother and her son Kim when I was in the 11th grade. My foster mother was a German Jew hippie type with one son. She and I did not get a long even though we remained friends. I lived with another foster family of hippie types when I was in the 12th grade the year was 1969 living in the Bay Area Richmond Calif. I got into LSD and sex when I was 17 years old. I have always loved books Words. When I was in the 12th grade I was searching for the meaning of life. Why did I exist? Who am I? Is there a god? If there is a god how do I know him? I was involved in Young Life in the 12th grade also Bahai World Faith. I have always been a loner, but always had a girlfriend before I was married.

I always took drugs alone not with people or my girlfriend’s (the only woman I got stoned with two women Tykie and Sandy when I was in my early 20’s). In the summer of 1970 after I graduated from High School I was hiking in the Richmond Hills and looked up into the blue sky and prayed for God to show me who He was? Two weeks later I was in Berkeley on the campus of UC Berkeley girl watching when I came across a group of Jesus People also Jews For Jesus people. They invited me to a Bible Study and even since that day I have been seeking the Lord Jesus Christ The Messiah The Son of God The Savior of the elect. The journey has been rocky, but the Lord has continued to keep me seeking Him. “But you do not believe, because you are not My sheep, as I said to you. My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of My Father’s hand. I and My Father are one” John 10:26-30.

So the Lord began the work of salvation in me the summer of 1970. I went to a small state college for a year. While going to school I lived a fellow from church and at a Christian commune. Around 1972 I attended a small Liberal Arts College here in Michigan. At this stage of my spiritual life I was very immature. I was still living for sex and drugs. But I did read and study the Bible. I should add here I was very sick with a bad stomach for many years. I had stomach ulcers that caused me to never sleep at night and I could eat only bland food. I was always sick in a state of pain. Living in sin made me even more sicker. The misery of sin. Feeling the pressure of guilt. The fear of going to hell pressed down on my stomach. Around 1973 I lived on a Christian commune in Northern Calif. and then got a job working in a Rescue Mission in Richmond Calif. I worked and lived at this mission for a couple of years. I had a girlfriend lover Tykie divorced early 50’s four grown children. Tykie was a very good Christian woman. We were lovers and that made the relationship stressful. I left the mission around 1976 and Tykie moved to Oregon. I soon met another great woman named Sandy divorced with two small boys. We became lovers and had an intense relationship. I was becoming more and more miserable knew I had to get free from the slavery of sin drugs sex and going nowhere. During this time I was working in a 7-11 store from 11 o’clock at night till 8 o’clock in the morning. I read the Puritans while working at this store also got stoned. I had several women lovers besides Sandy. I was out of control. But one day while reading A New Birth by J.C. Ryle (I have the same book next to me right now). As I was reading Ryle’s book A New Birth I got convicted and prayed for God to give me the Holy Spirit. I felt the chains of sin breaking and I soon afterwards left California to attend Reformed Bible College in Grand Rapids Mich. I got a job working at Rescue Mission and started Bible College. I met Carol while a student at RBC. I started RBC and soon afterwards the Lord brought Carol into my life. We met and nine months later we got married. Now 24 years later here I sit writing to the music of the Swans seeking the face of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Over the 33 years I have been Christian I have been a student of the Bible. I have changed theologically over the years. I consider myself right now a conservative evangelical Calvinist. I have been reading the writings of the Puritans for many years. I collect books on the Beats. I am a student of Jack Kerouac. I like to listen to music. I collect books and music. I have been keeping a diary since I was 17 years old. When I left California around 1978 I burned all my diaries. I burned down my old life to start a new life in Grand Rapids Mich. I do have the Year 1978 diaries because I could not burn half a year. So I have diaries from 1978 to right now June 7, 2003. My diaries weigh a ton because I keep everything. I am a pack rat.

Well this is my testimony. Much has been left out because when I was young I lived a wicked life. I broke all the Ten Commandments. I am a miracle of free grace.

5:30 p.m. - 2003-06-07