the color of the fire
I took the day off from work so here I sit feeling like I have been run over by a mack truck. I did not sleep well last night. I worked so hard yesterday that I got sick to my being. I woke up several times during the night feeling dead. So here I now sit listening to the Boards of Canada. Carol went out for coffee with a neighbor lady. She is suppose to pick me up around 9 o’clock to go out for breakfast. I hope I do not fall into a lifeless coma.
Last night I laid in bed for awhile listening to music and feeling spent. I read some of the book “The Beat Hotel: Ginsberg, Burroughs, and Corso in Paris, 1957-1963″ by Barry Miles last night. Carol and I went to bed early.
I do not know what is on my mind this morning? I am tired. I have no big plans for the weekend, but rest. Carol works this weekend. I do not know if I will still go to Western Theological Seminary and do research? I am blown mentally and might just read my Beat books this weekend. I am beat. Existence keeps going by. I have in my Beat collection Barry Miles biography of Jack Kerouac I could look at this weekend. The biography is titled “Jack Kerouac: The King of the Beats”.
Everytime I think of the life of Kerouac I think of the man in the iron cage in John Bunyan”s book “The Pilgrim’s Progress” I close quoting from Bunyan’s “Pilgrim’s Progress” the section containing the man in an iron cage.
“Now, said Christian, let me go hence. Nay, stay, said the Interpreter, till I have shewed thee a little more, and
after that thou shalt go on thy way. So he took him by the hand again, and led him into a very dark room, where there sat a man in an iron cage.
Now the man, to look on, seemed very sad; he sat with his eyes looking down to the ground, his hands folded together, and he sighed as if he would break his heart. Then said Christian, What means this? At which the Interpreter bid him talk with the man.
Then said Christian to the man, What art thou? The man answered, I am what I was not once.
Chr. What wast thou once?
Man. The man said, I was once a fair and flourishing professor, both in mine own eyes, and also in the eyes of others; I once was, as I thought, fair for the Celestial City, and had then even joy at the thoughts that I should get thither.
Chr. Well, but what art thou now? Man. I am now a man of despair, and am shut up in it, as in this iron cage. I cannot get out. Oh, now I cannot!
Chr. But how camest thou in this condition?
Man. I left off to watch and be sober. I laid the reins, upon the neck of my lusts; I sinned against the light of the Word and the goodness of God; I have grieved the Spirit, and he is gone; I tempted the devil, and he is come to me; I have provoked God to anger, and he has left me: I have so hardened my heart, that I cannot repent.
Then said Christian to the Interpreter, But is there no hope for such a man as this? Ask him, said the Interpreter. Nay, said Christian, pray, Sir, do you.
Inter. Then said the Interpreter, Is there no hope, but you must be kept in the iron cage of despair?
Man. No, none at all.
Inter. Why, the Son of the Blessed is very pitiful.
Man. I have crucified him to myself afresh; I have despised his person; I have despised his righteousness; I have counted his blood an unholy thing; I have done despite to the Spirit of grace. Therefore I have shut myself out of all the promises, and there now remains to me nothing but threatenings, dreadful threatenings, fearful threatenings, of certain judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour me as an adversary.
Inter. For what did you bring yourself into this condition?
Man. For the lusts, pleasures, and profits of this world; in the enjoyment of which I did then promise myself much delight; but now every one of those things also bite me, and gnaw me like a burning worm.
Inter. But canst thou not now repent and turn?
Man. God hath denied me repentance. His Word gives me no encouragement to believe; yea, himself hath shut me up in this iron cage; nor can all the men in the world let me out. O eternity, eternity! how shall I grapple with the misery that I must meet with in eternity!
Inter. Then said the Interpreter to Christian, Let this man’s misery be remembered by thee, and be an everlasting caution to thee.
Chr. Well, said Christian, this is fearful! God help me to watch and be sober, and to pray that I may shun the cause of this man’s misery! Sir, is it not time for me to go on my way now? Inter. Tarry till I shall shew thee one thing more, and then thou shalt go on thy way.” Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan
8:48 a.m. - 2003-03-28
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